Last Wednesday, I came to the end of a two and a half year stint working in TV development. That’s not a long time in the scheme of things, but it felt like the end of something a lot bigger than that. I’ve wanted to work in the industry since I was 12. I’ve spent over a decade working towards this and it feels like a lifetime is ending. When I got my first job in the industry, I thought it should feel like the beginning of the life I always dreamed of – even if I was working an entry level assistant job, I was excited to pay my dues. But I struggled so much with it. I constantly questioned why I was working there. I loved the people I was working with, but didn’t love the actual work I was doing. (Side Note: I am very grateful for the past two years because I did learn a lot… So to my former coworkers reading this… I love you.)
That lack of passion was killing me. I had this idea in my head that I had to be in TV and I had to love it because I had put so much time, effort, and money into getting to this place. I felt like I had to stick with it because I owed it to myself, my parents, my professors, and to everyone who had ever heard me say I wanted to make TV.
When I see that in writing, it sounds laughable.
There was a moment last week when I had to decide whether or not to take another job in the industry. The practical part of me was screaming “DO IT!!! That’s money and you have bills to pay. Also, remember the last time you didn’t have a job? You just sat around for a month and a half eating ice cream and watching Gilmore Girls.” But the part of my soul that is more in tune with my dreams whispered, “It’s okay to say no to this… Do what you’re longing to do.”
And when I listened to that whisper in my soul, I felt a sense of freedom. Not an “everything is going to be sunshine and roses” freedom. But a peace about my decision.
It’s been almost a week of this new adventure and I’m still grappling with what my life is if I’m not working in TV. I’m trying not to beat myself up about the fact that I binged Stranger Things and a whole season of Friends this weekend while dog sitting for a friend. I’m trying not to be overwhelmed by how I’m going to pay my bills. I’m trying to give myself space to dream about what’s next.
And I think a huge part of what’s next is writing consistently.
Whenever I tell someone I’m a writer, I always have this twinge of guilt because I don’t ever write as much as I want to. And I’m working on having grace for that, because I know I don’t have to be perfect.
But I’m also done with accepting shitty excuses from myself. If I want to be a writer, I have to actually write. Which is why I’m going to be putting up a blog post every day for the month of September. I have no idea what I’m going to write about, but I’m sure you’ll get the unfiltered and slightly terrifying thoughts that go through my brain on the daily. I look forward to sharing this journey with you.
Here’s to a new season of dreaming and exploring and not having to have it all together.